And it was her FB post that drives this blog entry. Her oldest just left on his mission. I think he's going to Fortaleza. I SOOO wanna vacation there!!! Anyways, when I saw her post, I literally FELT HER JOY! I know this woman. She's like a lion for the Lord. She's funny, she's pure, she's real. She's strength, courage, and she's bold. She's thoughtful, loving, patient. My gosh, she's perfect. I just love her. And I just KNOW how happy her missionary son has made her. And he just looks so happy. I felt excited for her and him. He's his mother's child. He's going to make great things happen out there.
And then it hit me square in the face. I'm happy for her and for him, but I'm probably not going to feel this happiness for myself. Not saying that my boys won't ever serve missions, but as of today, it's not even the last thing on their list. It's not ON the list.
I actually cried over this about half an hour after seeing Sister Valentine's post. It's OK to cry over it. I'm just sad that my boys probably won't have the opportunity or enjoy the blessings that come strictly because of serving missions and my family won't get the blessings for having missionaries out in the field.
We'll have other blessings and my boys will have other opportunities and blessings. Just nothing mission related.
You know how when you're pregnant, you just see pregnant people all over the place? Now that I have a child with DS, I'm seeing parents with children with DS all over the place. Guess what else I'm seeing all over the place? Or rather, the FB place...
My friends either sending off or welcoming back, their missionary kids.
I'm happy for them. I truly am. It was such a sacred, blessed, wonderful time for me that I have no place in my heart for envy or jealousy because ... I'm sincerely so happy for them. Especially that lucky missionary!!!
It's just sad for me that I can't feel that for my own boys.
BUT I can't nor WON'T make serving a mission (or not serving) an issue. I just don't have it in me and I'm GRATEFUL FOR IT. As a mother, I just don't feel it's my place to "force feed" my boys what I KNOW would be great for them. This sounds like "free range" parenting. Call it what you want.
I call it, "teach your kids and then let them govern themselves." And in the meantime. "save the relationship." Let nothing come between me and my kid. I've seen this happen too much. The most important relationship, most important "institute" is the family, yet parents let the church come between themselves and their kids. I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I think it's more important that my boys feel unconditional love from me, have my support in their decisions, my confidence in them.
And then let the Lord's grace fill in where I can't.
Grace.
That was the HUGE thing I learned this weekend regarding my mothering. I learned that it was of utmost importance to take a step back from ... my reality, even my SELFISH desires to see my sons doing what I want them to do, and TRUST GOD and TRUST HIS GRACE. And yes, at this point in my life, my desires for my sons to serve missions would be selfish. Because it's not what they want right now and it's my responsibility to put those desires to the side and work on other things.
It makes more sense in my head, but not so much as I type.
Easier said than done. I know. It'd be so much easier if I didn't have to rely on trust or grace. If I could ... feel beast mode about my parenting. But the reality is, I don't. And I HAVE to trust and I HAVE to turn things over to the Lord.
But I learned this weekend (did a temple session with 2 great friends) that Heavenly Father is 10 steps ahead of me. Not even 10 ... but you get the picture. And I learned very clearly that I MUST TRUST IN HIS GRACE.
Everything WILL work out. I'm positive I'll still have emotional moments as I see "failure of a mom" in my face, but Heavenly Father has heard my prayers in the past. He's answered them. Colby one day asked me, "Mom, how do you KNOW God exists." My answer was quick and simple. "Because He's answered too many of my prayers to even doubt. He lives."
I'm actually over the moon pleased with my boys. Talking with them... holy cow ... they GET things. Common sense is a gift of theirs. I love both their confidence in themselves and their self esteem for themselves. They're very secure kids. Zero cockiness in them, humble souls. Would never bully or berate other kids (though they take sarcasm to new and wonderful levels and PC does NOT exist in their interactions!!)
I'm well aware that missions don't make or break a person. Yeah, I know this. Sometimes I wish I hadn't served just so I wouldn't know how awesome they are so I wouldn't be sad for my boys. But I did serve. And I have been so blessed for it. And I can be fine with my boys taking their own paths and blazing their own trails. And I can trust in God's grace to not just fill in the holes that I missed, but to fill in the gaps and abyss' (abi? How the crap do you pluralize abyss??).
And on that note, good night! Holy cow it's late!
I get it 100% Not with my sons, but with my daughter. Not with missions, but with temples, with covenants, with belief, with testimonies I hear, and so much more. I too have self-pity moments "where did I go wrong as a mother?", "will she really give us up that easily for all eternity?" and more and more and more. ~Nicoline
ReplyDeleteOver and over and over Nicholine, I feel like we totally GET each other!!
ReplyDeleteI am still in the struggle of this. My 21 and 19 year old sons have not served. I am learning to love them where they are at, not where I or the world wants them to be. I have questioned and doubted myself and my abilities as a mother. But in the end I see "them" for who they are and how they are amazing men. I cherish my relationship with them and know it is intact and strong. I keep telling myself, that there are worse things than not serving missions.
ReplyDeleteBut let's be honest, those outside of my circle don't see them as good human beings. They see them as failures and especially love to point their fingers at me as a failure as a mom.