Working out and getting sexy

You wanna know the best part about working out at least 3 times a week, being a BIT more careful of what you eat, and watching portions?

Gaining weight!  And having jeans fit ... tighter!  It'spectacular!  I just love it when hard work DOESN'T pay off!  Eets de BHEEEEST!

That's my life though right now.  In lots of different aspects even!  My new calling in church (after I got fired from being the Ward Camp director, prolly for swearing in front of the youth and chewing a cook out) is playing the organ.  When I got the calling, I had never before even sat at an organ, much less knew where the power button was much less knew what "swell" and "great" meant and which tabs to push ...

They gave me the calling as punishment, pure and simple.  You swear in front of the youth, you're screwed.

Anyways, so I have been practicing and practicing and sometimes NOT practicing at all for this calling.  And I still suck.

I've been quilting now for ... 15 years and this week made one of the ugliest quilts I've ever made but couldn't tell until it was done.

We had the missionaries over for dinner.  Got on the topic of sports and I said that what I hated about football was, "I don't know what to yell from the sidelines!  I know what to yell at soccer and bball games, but not football..." to which Addi goes, "Yeah, you know what to yell ... swear words!"  (I obviously have a mouth...)

We've been doing nightly scripture and prayer as a family now for ... 18 plus years.  The other night we were discussing God's hand in our lives and how we can recognize it and learn to follow His inspirations to us.  Kind of ... important stuff.

Immediately a discussion ensued, started by the girls.

"Why is the alphabet in the order it's in?  Who said that A needed to be first?"  And then they started singing the alphabet in a jumbled order.

Oh, and I made dinner ... the "be amazing and make enough to have dinners ready for the next 3 years" kind of prep.  To make it even more amazing, it was a Pinterest recipe.

We've had take out the past several nights cuz ... it's disgusting and I wasted like 3 flats of chicken breast.

Point being ... sometimes and for me, it seems a LOT of the time, hard work just doesn't seem to pay off.  Why the crap why???  Am I just doing EVERYTHING wrong?  The forces of nature can't be THAT much against me!  Am I just meant to fail?  Because in all these very TRUE and accurate examples, believe me when I say, I give it my ALL.  Is my all just ... jacked up?

Here's the thing though.  Last month I went to the temple (in Spokane for any non Mormons/LDS/Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints people reading this) and the HUGE blast from Heaven inspiration that I got, right in front of my face was ... GRACE.

I found it interesting that, at the beginning of the year, when I went to the temple feeling like I was as successful as a snowflake on a grill, that it was GRACE that I was reminded of.

Heavenly Father so kindly reminded me that, "you do everything you can do and I'll take care of the rest."  And it hits me again, "maybe I suck so bad at things so I get the BLESSING of seeing His hand THAT MUCH CLEARER in my life?!"  I mean, I haven't SEEN things yet (regarding the situations I wrote about) but I also need to have FAITH in His GRACE.

I read a quote (i'm fixen to slaughter it cuz it's the brain I have) that went something like, "If your best is 1%, God makes up the 99%.  If your best is 99%, God makes up the 1% ... it doesn't matter to Him.  Just do your best and He'll complete it for you..."

There are so many stories in the scriptures that show this.  Nephi and the ship.  Gideon and his 300.  The captain in Matthew who asked Christ to heal his son.  Actually ... the scriptures are SATURATED with God's GRACE.  I mean, that's the whole reason Christ even came to this Earth.  So He can help us, save us, with GRACE.

I can only do so much.  I can only do my best.  I can only just keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  One work out after another.  And then leave it up to Christ to help me.  And it requires faith on my part, especially when my "hard work" doesn't pay off.  So just keep going.  Just.  Keep.  Going.  And not quitting.  What can the Lord do with quitters?  When the dude in the New Testament got his 1 talent and buried it ... How can the Lord bless that?  This particular servant simply showed that he DID NOT KNOW his Master.  He was fearful of him.  He didn't trust him.

So when you see me walking around all skinny and sexy, you can know that yeah, grace worked!  (JK!!!!  If that does happen, it's just cuz you saw me from far away and upon closer observation, it ... wasn't me...) LOL LOL LOL!

OK, for real.  I don't know why I chose to write about this.  Mostly so my kids can one day read it and know that if things aren't going the way they hoped, even after a bunch of hard work and prayers, it's OK!  Just keep swimming.  Grace will be given to you ... it's a promise!  Good things will happen.  Just don't give up.  That's it.

Speaking of.  It's past midnight and Gideon hasn't given up on staying awake.  How is he still awake?!  Good night!

Facebook missionaries

Most anyone who knows me, know I served a mission in Brazil.  Back in 1995/6.  Most people know this NOT because I'm all proud for having served a mission, but because I LOVE BRAZIL!  I just absolutely loved my time there.  I named my 1st daughter after my Brazilian trainer, Sister Valentine.  (We pinky promised this.  There's an Erika named after me in Brazil)  We're soul sisters.

And it was her FB post that drives this blog entry.  Her oldest just left on his mission.  I think he's going to Fortaleza.  I SOOO wanna vacation there!!!  Anyways, when I saw her post, I literally FELT HER JOY!  I know this woman.  She's like a lion for the Lord.  She's funny, she's pure, she's real.  She's strength, courage, and she's bold.  She's thoughtful, loving, patient.  My gosh, she's perfect.  I just love her.  And I just KNOW how happy her missionary son has made her.  And he just looks so happy.  I felt excited for her and him.  He's his mother's child.  He's going to make great things happen out there.

And then it hit me square in the face.  I'm happy for her and for him, but I'm probably not going to feel this happiness for myself.  Not saying that my boys won't ever serve missions, but as of today, it's not even the last thing on their list.  It's not ON the list.

I actually cried over this about half an hour after seeing Sister Valentine's post.  It's OK to cry over it.  I'm just sad that my boys probably won't have the opportunity or enjoy the blessings that come strictly because of serving missions and my family won't get the blessings for having missionaries out in the field.

We'll have other blessings and my boys will have other opportunities and blessings.  Just nothing mission related.

You know how when you're pregnant, you just see pregnant people all over the place?  Now that I have a child with DS, I'm seeing parents with children with DS all over the place.  Guess what else I'm seeing all over the place?  Or rather, the FB place...

My friends either sending off or welcoming back, their missionary kids.  

I'm happy for them.  I truly am.  It was such a sacred, blessed, wonderful time for me that I have no place in my heart for envy or jealousy because ... I'm sincerely so happy for them.  Especially that lucky missionary!!!

It's just sad for me that I can't feel that for my own boys.

BUT I can't nor WON'T make serving a mission (or not serving) an issue.  I just don't have it in me and I'm GRATEFUL FOR IT.  As a mother, I just don't feel it's my place to "force feed" my boys what I KNOW would be great for them.  This sounds like "free range" parenting.  Call it what you want.  

I call it, "teach your kids and then let them govern themselves."  And in the meantime. "save the relationship."  Let nothing come between me and my kid.  I've seen this happen too much.  The most important relationship, most important "institute" is the family, yet parents let the church come between themselves and their kids.  I don't think it's supposed to be that way.  I think it's more important that my boys feel unconditional love from me, have my support in their decisions, my confidence in them.

And then let the Lord's grace fill in where I can't.

Grace.  

That was the HUGE thing I learned this weekend regarding my mothering.  I learned that it was of utmost importance to take a step back from ... my reality, even my SELFISH desires to see my sons doing what I want them to do, and TRUST GOD and TRUST HIS GRACE.  And yes, at this point in my life, my desires for my sons to serve missions would be selfish.  Because it's not what they want right now and it's my responsibility to put those desires to the side and work on other things. 

It makes more sense in my head, but not so much as I type.

Easier said than done.  I know.  It'd be so much easier if I didn't have to rely on trust or grace.  If I could ... feel beast mode about my parenting.  But the reality is, I don't.  And I HAVE to trust and I HAVE to turn things over to the Lord.

But I learned this weekend (did a temple session with 2 great friends) that Heavenly Father is 10 steps ahead of me.  Not even 10 ... but you get the picture.  And I learned very clearly that I MUST TRUST IN HIS GRACE.

Everything WILL work out.  I'm positive I'll still have emotional moments as I see "failure of a mom" in my face, but Heavenly Father has heard my prayers in the past.  He's answered them.  Colby one day asked me, "Mom, how do you KNOW God exists."  My answer was quick and simple.  "Because He's answered too many of my prayers to even doubt.  He lives."

I'm actually over the moon pleased with my boys.  Talking with them... holy cow ... they GET things.  Common sense is a gift of theirs.  I love both their confidence in themselves and their self esteem for themselves.  They're very secure kids.  Zero cockiness in them, humble souls.  Would never bully or berate other kids (though they take sarcasm to new and wonderful levels and PC does NOT exist in their interactions!!)

I'm well aware that missions don't make or break a person.  Yeah, I know this.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't served just so I wouldn't know how awesome they are so I wouldn't be sad for my boys.  But I did serve.  And I have been so blessed for it.  And I can be fine with my boys taking their own paths and blazing their own trails.  And I can trust in God's grace to not just fill in the holes that I missed, but to fill in the gaps and abyss' (abi?  How the crap do you pluralize abyss??).

And on that note, good night!  Holy cow it's late!