Sending one off ...

It's been a week or has it been longer?  Lemme check ... ok, over 2 weeks, since we took Colby to college.

So many people have asked how I'm doing.  If I'm sad.  Reminding me that as kids leave, the dynamics change so much.

Let me tell you what it was like for me to drop Colby off.

We spent a couple of days there in UT, basically just eating and buying him things.  We didn't take him around town, we didn't help him get familiar with things.  He didn't want to spend our last few moments doing that.  His exact words were, "I'll figure everything out after you leave..." meaning the bus system, school, bike routs, train, etc. "I just want to spend time together and then when you leave, I'll do everything else myself."

So to answer the first question.  No, I'm not sad.  Because I could tell SO CLEARLY that Colby knew how to take care of himself.  Or at the very least, that he WANTED to take care of himself.  It was such a RELIEF to me that Colby didn't NEED us.  I am, very honestly, so happy that he's experiencing life outside the house now.

Because there was a time, right before he left, that it hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Colby has reached his max potential here under your roof.  He cannot grow anymore.  He has to leave in order to grow."

It was at that moment that I understood, although I will always be his mom ... I am done being his parent.  I am now his friend, I can give advice IF HE ASKS, I can always answer his calls and texts ... but now he gets to take everything he has learned at home and simply ADD TO IT as he grows and experiences life outside of my care.

He's doing so well.  He biked all over turning in applications, getting interviews, and lining up a job which he's super excited about.  He's figured out the bus system, train, getting around town, his schooling (EMT and CNA simultaneously).  Every time we talk ... he sounds so healthy. 

So no.  I'm not sad.  I'm so extremely happy!!!!

I did get very emotional however when we dropped him off.  He lives right next to the chapel he was blessed as a baby 18 plus years ago.  That was kinda wack.  I got emotional knowing that in that hour ... in that MINUTE, he would be crossing the bridge from childhood into adulthood.  And that got me emotional.  Just across the street sat the building that saw him as an infant getting blessed and now, on the other side of the that same building, he's closing the chapter to his childhood.

And I know how mean and awful and harsh and confusing being an adult can be.  Sure, you have no curfew, but holy hell would I RATHER be sleeping!  So much I'd RATHER be doing than adulting, that's for sure!  And now my son has to join the ranks!

Dynamics changing... that's no biggie.  Dynamics in the house are constantly changing.  New baby.  New teenager.  New sports season.  New 10 lbs.  New friends.  New realizations of oneself.  Dynamics change.  On the daily.

It's been fun though seeing child #2 sliding into oldest child place.  He's doing a great job of it.  I'd be lying if I said he's turned into an angelic, obedient, always listening piece of easy heaven.  He still gives us a run for our money ... but he's upped his maturity level.  He's upped his response to his actions. 

If you've read this far ... you get the reward of some 411.  I've been having a crisis of faith.  I made all these choices in life with the THINKING that I'd be at certain place by the time I was 45.  That my Eagle scout sons would be preparing for their missions at this time and that my Young Women medallion wearing daughters would be planning which temples they'd be getting married in.

Instead my sons quit scouts as weblos (can't even spell it ... oops) and my daughters are living, breathing VSCO girls...

And I love it.  I love that my kids have embraced themselves at the risk of being judged and labeled ... and because of it ... careful... don't judge ... it has pushed me into a "crisis of faith."

And because of it ... I find that I have actually flown my own nest.  I have grown all I can in the comforts of my own beliefs as a child ... and I grew restless.  I have 2 anchors.  I know God lives, that Christ lives.  And I know the Bible and Book of Mormon are true.  I'm finding that I'm navigating new waters, new thoughts ... and just like Colby ... I NEED this experience to grow and to be an even better me.

And just like Colby, I'm excited about this!
And just like my kids, I'm embracing myself regardless of what others may think.
And just like Colby does with me as he enters this new chapter, I'm keeping in close contact with my Heavenly Father and my Heavenly Mother.

Stake Conference ... about that ...

Let me preface this post with, I'm not hating on the "good" kids.  I have so many close friends with such wonderful kids who are doing so many wonderful things and, believe it or not, I'm sincerely, legit, happy for them all.

And now, to try and figure out my feelings.

Stake conference.  The Saturday evening session.

I had never felt so ... LOST.  So ALONE.  So ... HELPLESS in a session than I did that evening.  It was all about temple work, missionary work, and how the youth play such an important role in both.  And how there's so much success, thanks to the youth, in both.

'Cept the thing is ... my kids won't touch a temple trip with a 10 foot pole and missions?  Nem a pau!  (Ha!  Slang I learned from MY  mission!)

So as I sat there, listening about the great works the great youth of this great stake are doing, I found myself feeling ... isolated.

The next day, at part 2 of stake conference, the stake president did stand up in the end and did remind the members to not judge the youth or their parents who were not choosing to serve missions.  Of which I appreciated, but then I thought, "that's it?  For the youth that are not wanting to serve missions or who don't yet appreciate the temple, it's simply, 'don't judge them'"?

I found myself thinking about and pondering each of my kids that evening.  And thinking, "wow.  They're great kids.  So street smart.  So funny.  Able to see so clearly the good in people.  Forgiving.  Laid back.  Hilarious.  Loving.  Protective of each other.  So ... valiant!!"

But their struggles ... take them away from the church.

And I got no answers from the pulpit last weekend.  And it frustrated me.  And I felt ... so freaking lost.

Interesting enough.  So very interesting.  Was the study that I had with my older kids (they quit seminary so we do our own seminary here at the house.  Not studying D&C but rather the New Testament... a story for a later blog).











Check out Mark 9:17 (easy to remember.  I have 9 kids and 17 is my fav number).

Enter a father with a son who's possessed with an evil spirit.
He asks Christ to heal him.
He tells Christ, "I asked your disciples to heal him but they couldn't"
Christ gets a bit annoyed with the lack of faith, my guess, from both the disciples and the father.
Christ asks the father, "how long has this been going on?"
We learn since a child.
Christ tells the father, "if you can believe, your son can be healed."
And here, the father says, "I believe, help thou mine unbelief."

This story has been POUNDING in my head since my stake conference dilemma.

And here's what I get from it.

It's OK that I didn't get help from stake conference.  The father didn't get help from the disciples.   It doesn't mean I need to feel isolated.  Alls it means is, I need to dig deeper.  And I can go to an even BETTER source.  I can actually get help from Christ Himself.

What's the help I need?  I need help to navigate these very unfamiliar waters.  Having amazing kids who go against the dreams I had for them since I was a missionary myself ... it's mind boggling.  How to navigate these waters in a way that I won't sever relationships, dampen trust, won't confuse love for production, won't totally lose my shit when my kids choose their own paths...

One of my most favorite parts of this story is the one on one that Christ has with the father.  He asks him questions about his son.  Of course Christ knew how long he'd been dealing with this evil spirit.  What He was actually doing was building a relationship between this father and Himself.  He was letting this father see HE WAS INTERESTED in his son.

What did I learn here?  It's not just a matter of "not judging" but rather, "GET INTERESTED" in these kids!  If they're sitting out in the hall during church, it's not "shouldn't you be in class" but rather, "what's your favorite color?"

And the last part.  This part has totally endeared me to this father.  I wanna meet him in the next life so badly.  The humility he shows when, here he is, standing where he wants to be, talking with who he KNOWS can heal his son, admits that he doesn't have enough faith to heal his son.  BUT HE WANTS TO SO BADLY.

I've been in his shoes.  When Gideon was born.  I needed the faith to get Gideon healed, but I realized I couldn't "give Gideon" to Christ because, "you might take him from me and so I can't do it."  That was my prayer all the time in the Ronald McDonald room I stayed in all month long right after he was born.  I realized I didn't have the faith I needed to heal Gideon.  So my prayers were always, "help me with the faith I need, cuz I cannot give him to You..."

This is where grace comes in.  Grace.  Yet again that word.  It's my word for 2019.  It's knowing that, even though I try day in and day out to be a good parent to not just my kids but to any kid who walks into our house, I basically suck at it.  Not because I'm a total loser, but because I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know how my words or actions are perceived.  I don't know exactly where these kids are in their minds.  What their REAL needs are.

So I just do what I know I can do.  I talk to them.  I do what I can to help them feel safe and accepted.  And that's all I got.  And then that's where I say, "Heavenly Father, help with the rest..."

Sometimes it can be so hard to be a member of a church that, as great and wonderful as it is, I can feel so ... alone and lost.  So isolated.  Not a part.

But this doesn't mean the church is wrong.

I mean, just read the 4 stories of Christ in the New Testament.  At His hardest moments, He ... was alone.  But it didn't mean He stopped or gave up.  He pushed forward.  Because He had the bigger picture in His mind.

And what's the bigger picture in my mind?  To have a loving relationship with my kids.  A friendship with my adult children (they're gonna be my age in a blink of an eye FYI!) and to be a good example to them.  Cuz life is so freaking hard.  Holy crap it's hard.  And I want so badly for them to know that, when life got hard, mom just clung to all that she could.  And that was her relationship with Heavenly Father, with Jesus Christ, and yes, with Heavenly Mother.

Losing

Let me just tell you a little bit about Dallin.  When he was born, he had a club foot that needed to be corrected via surgery.  We waited until he was around 15 mos to do it but until then, the doctor just said that he'd struggle a lot to walk, probably wouldn't, actually.

Dallin walked at around 12 mos.  It looked funny, but he did.  And when he got really good at walking, bam.  Surgery.  So back down the ladder he went.  But then he figured out walking with his little cast on his little leg.  People would suspiciously say, "bit young for a cast!"  

Ohhhh the judgments of our society!

Eventually he mastered his thigh high cast then bam, knocked down again with the adjustments to a new, smaller cast.  But once again, he quickly figured out that and took off to keep up with his older brother.

Finally he was cast-less and free to be Dallin.

This kid has had set back after set back as life goes on for him.  But what remains a constant is his fight.  He is one kid who lets NOTHING discourage him.  I've always been so impressed with how he faces challenges.  He feels them.  He recognizes them.  And then he faces them and overcomes them.  It happens all the time!

His goal this year was to make it to states for wrestling.  I remember him talking about that.  He had all his plans, ducks in a row, small goals, of how to accomplish.  I watched him come home exhausted from practices (I think, hands down, wrestlers have the toughest practices of ANY SPORT.  I'd challenge that with anyone) only to continue doing some sort of exercise at home.  He'd eat carefully.  Work out hard.  He wanted to qualify for states.

A few weeks into his season, during a match, he was thrown down and separated his shoulder.  2nd degree separation.  My heart fell for him.  He was devastated.  

I wondered if he'd even be able to wrestle at all.

He did.

By the end of the season, he was well enough to wrestle in districts.  

And he lost his first match.

But then went on to win the remaining 2.

And made it to states.  He made it to states because of his seasons record.

I post this picture and I tell this story because of what Dallin teaches me.

This kid.  He's familiar with defeat.  He's familiar with set backs.  He's familiar with unfair treatment or biased coaches.  He can empathize with so much.

But he simply doesn't.  let.  it.  stop him!

Losing.  Set backs.  Disappointment.  So much of what life hands us.  The question is, what do we do with it?

I'm confident that Dallin will be successful at whatever he wants to do in life.  He just has that fight in him.  I'm so happy for him!

I've had so many conversations with friends who are struggling with so much.  But what impresses and amazes me is their power to fight.

I hate Rocky.  Those movies.  Ughhhh... hate them!  But Matt LOVES them so I'm exposed to the mindnumbing that is this movie.  Movies.  There's a bunch out there.  But he says something that I actually love.  Rocky tells this kid, "It aint about how hard you hit.  It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

Rocky gets points from me for that one.  I like that he said, "forward."  Moving forward.

Dallin moves forward.  It's amazing.  I love it.  I've learned so much from it.  

The thing is, moving forward includes miracles.  The ability to move forward after being knocked down invites the hand of God, miracles from heaven, to be a part of our progress.  It really does.  

I think that God sees our desires, especially during our deepest and darkest moments, He can see that we still desire, and He helps us.  He can.  It's called grace.  That has become a powerful word to me.

Dallin made it to states by the grace of God.  He did well during his season, got 3rd at districts, and was picked to go because of his season's record.  

This can be applied to my life.  To my friends' lives.  My kids' lives.  Life will be full of set backs, disappointments, what have you.  But I believe that if we desire to get up and to keep moving forward, we can.  And we'll see God's hand.  And that's such a ... sweet thing.

Working out and getting sexy

You wanna know the best part about working out at least 3 times a week, being a BIT more careful of what you eat, and watching portions?

Gaining weight!  And having jeans fit ... tighter!  It'spectacular!  I just love it when hard work DOESN'T pay off!  Eets de BHEEEEST!

That's my life though right now.  In lots of different aspects even!  My new calling in church (after I got fired from being the Ward Camp director, prolly for swearing in front of the youth and chewing a cook out) is playing the organ.  When I got the calling, I had never before even sat at an organ, much less knew where the power button was much less knew what "swell" and "great" meant and which tabs to push ...

They gave me the calling as punishment, pure and simple.  You swear in front of the youth, you're screwed.

Anyways, so I have been practicing and practicing and sometimes NOT practicing at all for this calling.  And I still suck.

I've been quilting now for ... 15 years and this week made one of the ugliest quilts I've ever made but couldn't tell until it was done.

We had the missionaries over for dinner.  Got on the topic of sports and I said that what I hated about football was, "I don't know what to yell from the sidelines!  I know what to yell at soccer and bball games, but not football..." to which Addi goes, "Yeah, you know what to yell ... swear words!"  (I obviously have a mouth...)

We've been doing nightly scripture and prayer as a family now for ... 18 plus years.  The other night we were discussing God's hand in our lives and how we can recognize it and learn to follow His inspirations to us.  Kind of ... important stuff.

Immediately a discussion ensued, started by the girls.

"Why is the alphabet in the order it's in?  Who said that A needed to be first?"  And then they started singing the alphabet in a jumbled order.

Oh, and I made dinner ... the "be amazing and make enough to have dinners ready for the next 3 years" kind of prep.  To make it even more amazing, it was a Pinterest recipe.

We've had take out the past several nights cuz ... it's disgusting and I wasted like 3 flats of chicken breast.

Point being ... sometimes and for me, it seems a LOT of the time, hard work just doesn't seem to pay off.  Why the crap why???  Am I just doing EVERYTHING wrong?  The forces of nature can't be THAT much against me!  Am I just meant to fail?  Because in all these very TRUE and accurate examples, believe me when I say, I give it my ALL.  Is my all just ... jacked up?

Here's the thing though.  Last month I went to the temple (in Spokane for any non Mormons/LDS/Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints people reading this) and the HUGE blast from Heaven inspiration that I got, right in front of my face was ... GRACE.

I found it interesting that, at the beginning of the year, when I went to the temple feeling like I was as successful as a snowflake on a grill, that it was GRACE that I was reminded of.

Heavenly Father so kindly reminded me that, "you do everything you can do and I'll take care of the rest."  And it hits me again, "maybe I suck so bad at things so I get the BLESSING of seeing His hand THAT MUCH CLEARER in my life?!"  I mean, I haven't SEEN things yet (regarding the situations I wrote about) but I also need to have FAITH in His GRACE.

I read a quote (i'm fixen to slaughter it cuz it's the brain I have) that went something like, "If your best is 1%, God makes up the 99%.  If your best is 99%, God makes up the 1% ... it doesn't matter to Him.  Just do your best and He'll complete it for you..."

There are so many stories in the scriptures that show this.  Nephi and the ship.  Gideon and his 300.  The captain in Matthew who asked Christ to heal his son.  Actually ... the scriptures are SATURATED with God's GRACE.  I mean, that's the whole reason Christ even came to this Earth.  So He can help us, save us, with GRACE.

I can only do so much.  I can only do my best.  I can only just keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  One work out after another.  And then leave it up to Christ to help me.  And it requires faith on my part, especially when my "hard work" doesn't pay off.  So just keep going.  Just.  Keep.  Going.  And not quitting.  What can the Lord do with quitters?  When the dude in the New Testament got his 1 talent and buried it ... How can the Lord bless that?  This particular servant simply showed that he DID NOT KNOW his Master.  He was fearful of him.  He didn't trust him.

So when you see me walking around all skinny and sexy, you can know that yeah, grace worked!  (JK!!!!  If that does happen, it's just cuz you saw me from far away and upon closer observation, it ... wasn't me...) LOL LOL LOL!

OK, for real.  I don't know why I chose to write about this.  Mostly so my kids can one day read it and know that if things aren't going the way they hoped, even after a bunch of hard work and prayers, it's OK!  Just keep swimming.  Grace will be given to you ... it's a promise!  Good things will happen.  Just don't give up.  That's it.

Speaking of.  It's past midnight and Gideon hasn't given up on staying awake.  How is he still awake?!  Good night!

Facebook missionaries

Most anyone who knows me, know I served a mission in Brazil.  Back in 1995/6.  Most people know this NOT because I'm all proud for having served a mission, but because I LOVE BRAZIL!  I just absolutely loved my time there.  I named my 1st daughter after my Brazilian trainer, Sister Valentine.  (We pinky promised this.  There's an Erika named after me in Brazil)  We're soul sisters.

And it was her FB post that drives this blog entry.  Her oldest just left on his mission.  I think he's going to Fortaleza.  I SOOO wanna vacation there!!!  Anyways, when I saw her post, I literally FELT HER JOY!  I know this woman.  She's like a lion for the Lord.  She's funny, she's pure, she's real.  She's strength, courage, and she's bold.  She's thoughtful, loving, patient.  My gosh, she's perfect.  I just love her.  And I just KNOW how happy her missionary son has made her.  And he just looks so happy.  I felt excited for her and him.  He's his mother's child.  He's going to make great things happen out there.

And then it hit me square in the face.  I'm happy for her and for him, but I'm probably not going to feel this happiness for myself.  Not saying that my boys won't ever serve missions, but as of today, it's not even the last thing on their list.  It's not ON the list.

I actually cried over this about half an hour after seeing Sister Valentine's post.  It's OK to cry over it.  I'm just sad that my boys probably won't have the opportunity or enjoy the blessings that come strictly because of serving missions and my family won't get the blessings for having missionaries out in the field.

We'll have other blessings and my boys will have other opportunities and blessings.  Just nothing mission related.

You know how when you're pregnant, you just see pregnant people all over the place?  Now that I have a child with DS, I'm seeing parents with children with DS all over the place.  Guess what else I'm seeing all over the place?  Or rather, the FB place...

My friends either sending off or welcoming back, their missionary kids.  

I'm happy for them.  I truly am.  It was such a sacred, blessed, wonderful time for me that I have no place in my heart for envy or jealousy because ... I'm sincerely so happy for them.  Especially that lucky missionary!!!

It's just sad for me that I can't feel that for my own boys.

BUT I can't nor WON'T make serving a mission (or not serving) an issue.  I just don't have it in me and I'm GRATEFUL FOR IT.  As a mother, I just don't feel it's my place to "force feed" my boys what I KNOW would be great for them.  This sounds like "free range" parenting.  Call it what you want.  

I call it, "teach your kids and then let them govern themselves."  And in the meantime. "save the relationship."  Let nothing come between me and my kid.  I've seen this happen too much.  The most important relationship, most important "institute" is the family, yet parents let the church come between themselves and their kids.  I don't think it's supposed to be that way.  I think it's more important that my boys feel unconditional love from me, have my support in their decisions, my confidence in them.

And then let the Lord's grace fill in where I can't.

Grace.  

That was the HUGE thing I learned this weekend regarding my mothering.  I learned that it was of utmost importance to take a step back from ... my reality, even my SELFISH desires to see my sons doing what I want them to do, and TRUST GOD and TRUST HIS GRACE.  And yes, at this point in my life, my desires for my sons to serve missions would be selfish.  Because it's not what they want right now and it's my responsibility to put those desires to the side and work on other things. 

It makes more sense in my head, but not so much as I type.

Easier said than done.  I know.  It'd be so much easier if I didn't have to rely on trust or grace.  If I could ... feel beast mode about my parenting.  But the reality is, I don't.  And I HAVE to trust and I HAVE to turn things over to the Lord.

But I learned this weekend (did a temple session with 2 great friends) that Heavenly Father is 10 steps ahead of me.  Not even 10 ... but you get the picture.  And I learned very clearly that I MUST TRUST IN HIS GRACE.

Everything WILL work out.  I'm positive I'll still have emotional moments as I see "failure of a mom" in my face, but Heavenly Father has heard my prayers in the past.  He's answered them.  Colby one day asked me, "Mom, how do you KNOW God exists."  My answer was quick and simple.  "Because He's answered too many of my prayers to even doubt.  He lives."

I'm actually over the moon pleased with my boys.  Talking with them... holy cow ... they GET things.  Common sense is a gift of theirs.  I love both their confidence in themselves and their self esteem for themselves.  They're very secure kids.  Zero cockiness in them, humble souls.  Would never bully or berate other kids (though they take sarcasm to new and wonderful levels and PC does NOT exist in their interactions!!)

I'm well aware that missions don't make or break a person.  Yeah, I know this.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't served just so I wouldn't know how awesome they are so I wouldn't be sad for my boys.  But I did serve.  And I have been so blessed for it.  And I can be fine with my boys taking their own paths and blazing their own trails.  And I can trust in God's grace to not just fill in the holes that I missed, but to fill in the gaps and abyss' (abi?  How the crap do you pluralize abyss??).

And on that note, good night!  Holy cow it's late!