So many people have asked how I'm doing. If I'm sad. Reminding me that as kids leave, the dynamics change so much.
Let me tell you what it was like for me to drop Colby off.
We spent a couple of days there in UT, basically just eating and buying him things. We didn't take him around town, we didn't help him get familiar with things. He didn't want to spend our last few moments doing that. His exact words were, "I'll figure everything out after you leave..." meaning the bus system, school, bike routs, train, etc. "I just want to spend time together and then when you leave, I'll do everything else myself."
So to answer the first question. No, I'm not sad. Because I could tell SO CLEARLY that Colby knew how to take care of himself. Or at the very least, that he WANTED to take care of himself. It was such a RELIEF to me that Colby didn't NEED us. I am, very honestly, so happy that he's experiencing life outside the house now.
Because there was a time, right before he left, that it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Colby has reached his max potential here under your roof. He cannot grow anymore. He has to leave in order to grow."
It was at that moment that I understood, although I will always be his mom ... I am done being his parent. I am now his friend, I can give advice IF HE ASKS, I can always answer his calls and texts ... but now he gets to take everything he has learned at home and simply ADD TO IT as he grows and experiences life outside of my care.
He's doing so well. He biked all over turning in applications, getting interviews, and lining up a job which he's super excited about. He's figured out the bus system, train, getting around town, his schooling (EMT and CNA simultaneously). Every time we talk ... he sounds so healthy.
So no. I'm not sad. I'm so extremely happy!!!!
I did get very emotional however when we dropped him off. He lives right next to the chapel he was blessed as a baby 18 plus years ago. That was kinda wack. I got emotional knowing that in that hour ... in that MINUTE, he would be crossing the bridge from childhood into adulthood. And that got me emotional. Just across the street sat the building that saw him as an infant getting blessed and now, on the other side of the that same building, he's closing the chapter to his childhood.
And I know how mean and awful and harsh and confusing being an adult can be. Sure, you have no curfew, but holy hell would I RATHER be sleeping! So much I'd RATHER be doing than adulting, that's for sure! And now my son has to join the ranks!
Dynamics changing... that's no biggie. Dynamics in the house are constantly changing. New baby. New teenager. New sports season. New 10 lbs. New friends. New realizations of oneself. Dynamics change. On the daily.
It's been fun though seeing child #2 sliding into oldest child place. He's doing a great job of it. I'd be lying if I said he's turned into an angelic, obedient, always listening piece of easy heaven. He still gives us a run for our money ... but he's upped his maturity level. He's upped his response to his actions.
If you've read this far ... you get the reward of some 411. I've been having a crisis of faith. I made all these choices in life with the THINKING that I'd be at certain place by the time I was 45. That my Eagle scout sons would be preparing for their missions at this time and that my Young Women medallion wearing daughters would be planning which temples they'd be getting married in.
Instead my sons quit scouts as weblos (can't even spell it ... oops) and my daughters are living, breathing VSCO girls...
And I love it. I love that my kids have embraced themselves at the risk of being judged and labeled ... and because of it ... careful... don't judge ... it has pushed me into a "crisis of faith."
And because of it ... I find that I have actually flown my own nest. I have grown all I can in the comforts of my own beliefs as a child ... and I grew restless. I have 2 anchors. I know God lives, that Christ lives. And I know the Bible and Book of Mormon are true. I'm finding that I'm navigating new waters, new thoughts ... and just like Colby ... I NEED this experience to grow and to be an even better me.
And just like Colby, I'm excited about this!
And just like my kids, I'm embracing myself regardless of what others may think.
And just like Colby does with me as he enters this new chapter, I'm keeping in close contact with my Heavenly Father and my Heavenly Mother.
