Let me preface this post with, I'm not hating on the "good" kids. I have so many close friends with such wonderful kids who are doing so many wonderful things and, believe it or not, I'm sincerely, legit, happy for them all.
And now, to try and figure out my feelings.
Stake conference. The Saturday evening session.
I had never felt so ... LOST. So ALONE. So ... HELPLESS in a session than I did that evening. It was all about temple work, missionary work, and how the youth play such an important role in both. And how there's so much success, thanks to the youth, in both.
'Cept the thing is ... my kids won't touch a temple trip with a 10 foot pole and missions? Nem a pau! (Ha! Slang I learned from MY mission!)
So as I sat there, listening about the great works the great youth of this great stake are doing, I found myself feeling ... isolated.
The next day, at part 2 of stake conference, the stake president did stand up in the end and did remind the members to not judge the youth or their parents who were not choosing to serve missions. Of which I appreciated, but then I thought, "that's it? For the youth that are not wanting to serve missions or who don't yet appreciate the temple, it's simply, 'don't judge them'"?
I found myself thinking about and pondering each of my kids that evening. And thinking, "wow. They're great kids. So street smart. So funny. Able to see so clearly the good in people. Forgiving. Laid back. Hilarious. Loving. Protective of each other. So ... valiant!!"
But their struggles ... take them away from the church.
And I got no answers from the pulpit last weekend. And it frustrated me. And I felt ... so freaking lost.
Interesting enough. So very interesting. Was the study that I had with my older kids (they quit seminary so we do our own seminary here at the house. Not studying D&C but rather the New Testament... a story for a later blog).
Check out Mark 9:17 (easy to remember. I have 9 kids and 17 is my fav number).
Enter a father with a son who's possessed with an evil spirit.
He asks Christ to heal him.
He tells Christ, "I asked your disciples to heal him but they couldn't"
Christ gets a bit annoyed with the lack of faith, my guess, from both the disciples and the father.
Christ asks the father, "how long has this been going on?"
We learn since a child.
Christ tells the father, "if you can believe, your son can be healed."
And here, the father says, "I believe, help thou mine unbelief."
This story has been POUNDING in my head since my stake conference dilemma.
And here's what I get from it.
It's OK that I didn't get help from stake conference. The father didn't get help from the disciples. It doesn't mean I need to feel isolated. Alls it means is, I need to dig deeper. And I can go to an even BETTER source. I can actually get help from Christ Himself.
What's the help I need? I need help to navigate these very unfamiliar waters. Having amazing kids who go against the dreams I had for them since I was a missionary myself ... it's mind boggling. How to navigate these waters in a way that I won't sever relationships, dampen trust, won't confuse love for production, won't totally lose my shit when my kids choose their own paths...
One of my most favorite parts of this story is the one on one that Christ has with the father. He asks him questions about his son. Of course Christ knew how long he'd been dealing with this evil spirit. What He was actually doing was building a relationship between this father and Himself. He was letting this father see HE WAS INTERESTED in his son.
What did I learn here? It's not just a matter of "not judging" but rather, "GET INTERESTED" in these kids! If they're sitting out in the hall during church, it's not "shouldn't you be in class" but rather, "what's your favorite color?"
And the last part. This part has totally endeared me to this father. I wanna meet him in the next life so badly. The humility he shows when, here he is, standing where he wants to be, talking with who he KNOWS can heal his son, admits that he doesn't have enough faith to heal his son. BUT HE WANTS TO SO BADLY.
I've been in his shoes. When Gideon was born. I needed the faith to get Gideon healed, but I realized I couldn't "give Gideon" to Christ because, "you might take him from me and so I can't do it." That was my prayer all the time in the Ronald McDonald room I stayed in all month long right after he was born. I realized I didn't have the faith I needed to heal Gideon. So my prayers were always, "help me with the faith I need, cuz I cannot give him to You..."
This is where grace comes in. Grace. Yet again that word. It's my word for 2019. It's knowing that, even though I try day in and day out to be a good parent to not just my kids but to any kid who walks into our house, I basically suck at it. Not because I'm a total loser, but because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how my words or actions are perceived. I don't know exactly where these kids are in their minds. What their REAL needs are.
So I just do what I know I can do. I talk to them. I do what I can to help them feel safe and accepted. And that's all I got. And then that's where I say, "Heavenly Father, help with the rest..."
Sometimes it can be so hard to be a member of a church that, as great and wonderful as it is, I can feel so ... alone and lost. So isolated. Not a part.
But this doesn't mean the church is wrong.
I mean, just read the 4 stories of Christ in the New Testament. At His hardest moments, He ... was alone. But it didn't mean He stopped or gave up. He pushed forward. Because He had the bigger picture in His mind.
And what's the bigger picture in my mind? To have a loving relationship with my kids. A friendship with my adult children (they're gonna be my age in a blink of an eye FYI!) and to be a good example to them. Cuz life is so freaking hard. Holy crap it's hard. And I want so badly for them to know that, when life got hard, mom just clung to all that she could. And that was her relationship with Heavenly Father, with Jesus Christ, and yes, with Heavenly Mother.
